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I’m one of those people who is constantly looking for signs.  I think this is because I tend to second guess everything I say and do. So some sort of external confirmation is absolutely necessary to keep me from driving myself and everyone around me totally bonkers.

Here’s an example of how signs have been working in my life lately:

The other night, right in the middle of sex, my husband offhandedly asks me:

“Do you think you’d ever consider getting a boob job?”

The next day, I get two email solicitations and one Facebook advertisement for three different divorce lawyers.

Could the Internet be the new Oracle of Delphi?

How do those guys working in The Cloud know this shit?  Is The Cloud some sort of spiritual conduit I’ve just been really slow to catch onto? Since high school, the only spiritual discipline I could commit to involved reading my horoscope every morning, but now I’m thinking Facebook ads are way more accurate.

As for signs. The day penile enlargement adverts are replaced by tips for “What to Do With All Those Exciting Job Offers” or ads for offshore bank accounts, will be the day I’ll know something special is heading my way.

The big question I’ve got rolling around in my brain is – how can I sway things in my favour?  There have been a few times in the past when I’ve made magical things happen.   As my restlessness intensifies, I’m trying to deconstruct those times.

When I was 23 and deep in the clutches of an obsession with salsa dancing, I met Tommy Chong – of Cheech and Chong fame.  He was a fabulous dancer who was also in the throes of a midlife crisis.

(note: I believe my life expectancy at the time was 46, so yes it is possible for me to have been having a midlife crisis at 23)

So Tommy and I started hanging out to dance and smoke weed (Absolutely no sex)  Despite that, it was a super fun time. So when he made a few comments about me being “talented” and having “potential” followed by a few suggestions that I could “have a future in script writing” and that he could “introduce me to some people;”  I did what any sane person would do – quit my job, gave up my scholarship and my apartment to sit by the phone waiting for his call.  Which never came.  Even when I left about 10,000 messages, each with increasing shrillness.  

Finally the day came when I had to admit that I’d made a terrible mistake. I was completely and thoroughly fucked.  I had no money, no job or prospects. I had to be out of my apartment in two days and had nothing else to go to. And on top of that, due to me being arrogant and completely self-obsessed, all my friends were pissed off at me and I was too ashamed to call and ask for help.

While lying in the bathtub that night, surrounded by empty packing boxes, I thought about doing myself in.  I even went so far as to place a bottle of vodka and a razor blade on the shelf next to the tub.  Then the haze of self-pity cleared and I could see the entire scene played out  in front of me – how I was really the cause of my own misery.  

I said out loud: “If you can get me out of this, I swear I’ll do everything different from now on.”  

“So, what should I do now?”

“Just put one foot in front of the other.”

As if pushed gently from behind, I got out of the tub and still wrapped in a towel, went into my bedroom, kneeled beside my bedside table and started putting stuff into a box.

There at the bottom of the drawer, tucked way in the back, was a blank cheque Tommy had written me some months earlier to buy some office supplies.

I dried my tears, called a lawyer who suggested I write Tommy a letter explaining why I was filling out the cheque for ten grand and wait for the cheque to clear.  Which it did two weeks later.

I then paid off all my debts, apologized to everyone and hopped a flight to South East Asia, where I travelled and sorted out my head for the next six months.

That’s what I want. I want that to happen. Now. I think the successful formula involves being

  1. Desperate
  2. Saying it out loud.

And because this is an Unhelpful self-help blog.  I don’t really have anything else to offer in terms of hints or suggestions.  But maybe you do….

Please comment. (nicely)

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