If you get on Alice’s good side you just might get to volunteer for the best, most exclusive committee at our kids’ school: the hot lunch program. The group is invite only and if you’re lucky to join in on Friday mornings at the coffee shop across the street to label lunch bags, then you know being a parent is going to get a whole lot better.
All of the women on the committee are gorgeous and so they’re widely known as The Hot Lunch Ladies. I’m more of an honorary member ever since I came up with the idea of a calendar and series of videos for the next school fundraiser. It seems like such an obvious fit, I was actually surprised no one had thought of it before.
“…even if it is tasteful, we can’t make porn to fund our library program,” Alice told me in the hallway after drop off one morning.
Hot lunch erotica,” I corrected.
“Still no.” But I think she was secretly disappointed.
Note To Our Provincial Government: This is what happens when you cut public education to the bone. Hot Lunch Ladies have to consider unorthodox fundraising ideas. We wouldn’t have gone there on our own. You drove us to it.
So when Alice turned 50 last weekend, it seemed like a great idea to Google, “big+male+ stripper+Vancouver.” There was only one listing, so we booked him to arrest Alice at her birthday party for “being too horny.” Which is hilarious because she totally isn’t.
When Alice answered the door, our “cop” quickly ripped off his velcro pants and got right to the gyrating and the dry humping. After he’d finished with Alice at the door he moved into the room and took a turn with each of the Hot Lunch Ladies.
You may be looking at this picture wondering, “What the hell am I looking at here?” If you were the woman on the bed, the answer would be – a guy’s shaved asshole and ball sack. When he got up, it was obvious he was hoping for some appreciation. We, being mothers, tried our best to say the encouraging things we might offer one of our uncoordinated children on the soccer pitch.
“I can tell you’ve really been practicing!”
Then he made Alice lie down on the floor. What you’re seeing here is him slapping her face repeatedly with his penis. She’s trying to politely indicate that this isn’t working for her, but he’s trying to earn that US dollar under her shoulder. I kept wondering, Where is this guy getting his information? What woman has ever given him the impression that this sort of thing actually works?
“To turn you on.” was the answer, apparently. I didn’t want him to know my flushed face was actually a hot flash because I’m not ready to admit that yet.
But the whole experience initiated a lively conversation about things our husbands and boyfriends do – that they incorrectly believe turn us on. Inspired to correct past wrongs and provide a valuable service to men everywhere, the Hot Lunch Ladies have compiled a list of suggestions:
#1 – This move might seem hot to you, but it really isn’t
#2 – When talking dirty, never ever ask, “Who’s your Daddy?”
#3 – When we’re making dinner and you come up behind us and grab our ass or our boob – please know how badly we’d like to punch you in the face.
#4 – That thing that you do in the middle of the night or early morning where you spoon us so you can push your erection into our backs does not actually equal foreplay.
#5 – Discussion about insurance rates + who should pick up kids from swimming will never = blow job.
Please – for education purposes – add to the list.